If I told you I feel unlovable, you’d probably stand up in protest. You might say that you enjoy my presence and my contributions. The statement seems absurd. I grew up in a loving family, and while I sometimes may be a loner by choice, I’ve always had friends. And, as I’ve grown older, I’ve become more social and engaged in communities where I feel valued. Hence, let me rephrase the statement. I feel unlovable in romantic, physical, or sexual ways. That’s something you couldn’t refute. I’ve been single all my life, so you couldn’t point at a current or ex-partner who loved me this way. There has only ever been one single woman who expressed romantic interest in me, but she was so desperate that it didn’t feel genuine. I can’t rule out that there have been instances where someone gave me subtle signals that I misread, but none that are obvious in hindsight. Since no woman ever expressed a genuine romantic interest in me, I might reasonably conclude that I’m fundamentally romantically unlovable.

Now, you might tell me that I’m dumb for expecting women to come to me and confess they have a crush on me. That’s not how things work in our society. As a man, we expect you to shoot your shot and make a first step if you’re interested in someone. You may find out she feels the same or is at least open to exploring the possibility, or she’ll politely decline, and you can ask someone else until it finally clicks. However, if I told you this, I would reply that I feel so unlovable that the possibility she said “yes” is functionally zero, so what’s the point? And actually, it’s worse. I convinced myself that my interest could create so much discomfort in the receiver that expressing it was almost unethical.

Many young men blame liberalism, feminism, or the #MeToo movement for their inability to express interest in women out of fear of retribution. However, I had heard women speak about having to fight unwanted advances from men over a decade before said hashtag went viral. I knew I wouldn’t want to do even the slightest thing to contribute to this problem, even if that cost me a chance at romance.

Of course, I’m far from the only man afraid to express their interest to women. Many manage to do it due to peer pressure and mimetic desire, having a strong enough sex drive that overrides their fears, and often the use of courage-enhancing substances like alcohol. I don’t strongly feel peer pressure, my sex drive isn’t exactly high, and I have a strict personal anti-drugs policy. Therefore, I have only two options. The first is somehow convincing myself that I’m lovable and desirable and that expressing these wishes isn’t unethical. I intellectually grasp the concept of “benevolent transgressions”, but they’re hard to believe. The second is that my future spouse reads this post, is more courageous than I am, and takes this load from me. Until then, I will keep writing these navel-gazing essays.