I had to make a tough decision, and I want to share it. For a few months, I’ve been working on plans for another trip to India in December. There were a lot of coinciding opportunities. I’ve always wanted to go to DevRelCon, and the next one is in Bangalore. One of my friends from Hyderabad invited me to her wedding. Another friend is going to Mumbai after Christmas, and her brother is also getting married. I could have attended two weddings (but quite different since one is Hindu and one is Christian). I’ve reconnected with a friend who will be in Goa in December. I already imagined myself sitting on a beach instead of following the same Christmas traditions my parents and my sister have every year. So, I’ve spent time planning with a big “if” in my head. I could do all or nothing, as any subset of the plan would have felt like wasting an expensive and carbon-intensive flight to another continent. However, I’ve never finalized the plans, and December was getting closer. Eventually, I gutted the plan two days ago and decided to not go to India, at least not now.

Why did I decide against it? The main reason is that with a full trip like this, I would have needed to take the month off from work. One week was available to work remotely in the middle of the planned trip, but I needed more. I have a few things at work that need to be done before the year’s end. One of my major clients is doing a software migration project, and they need to be able to use the new software starting in January for the new fiscal year. We have a team working on it, and I’m in a leading position, which means I have some responsibility for making it happen and the duty to support my co-workers. Cancelling (or not booking) the trip was the responsible choice.

I could have made it happen if I had made a definite choice two months ago, informed everyone, and worked toward it, ruthlessly prioritizing work and trip preparation over anything else I’ve recently spent time on. I didn’t do that. Instead, I avoided making a decision. I knew that there wasn’t a perfect solution. Everything has trade-offs. Last weekend, I knew I couldn’t postpone a decision and had to make one. I spent more hours ruminating. I put the trip on a pedestal and deemed it an opportunity of a lifetime. I felt that I would never be able to forgive myself for forgoing it. At the same time, I thought I was running away from responsibility and trying to enforce something that didn’t fit in my life right now. Making it happen would be the most stressful thing imaginable because I’d have to cram too much work in three weeks and probably not enjoy the trip as much as I wanted to. I also wouldn’t be able to prepare it so that I can make the most of it. After two helpful conversations with my sister, I decided on Tuesday. I informed everyone that I wouldn’t be coming. Because I don’t want to lose touch with my Indian friends for too long, I’ve already decided that the replacement for this trip will be in March 2025 (exactly two years after my last one).

I noticed something interesting. Until deciding and sending the messages about the trip, I felt horrible about having to choose. I would feel this either way, no matter what I decided. Afterward, however, I felt peaceful and relieved. I’m also full of happy anticipation of a December spent in my hometown and a different trip in March, which will not have all these events but provide opportunities to relax and spend ample time with people.

Indecisiveness is one of my less favorable traits. There’s also something immature about it. I don’t want to make trade-offs. I want to make everything possible. I want to never have to say “no” and decide against some idea that exists in my mind. I’m the toddler throwing a tantrum because the world doesn’t exactly provide him with what he wants with no consequences. Instead of facing the trade-offs, doing triage, choosing, and then proceeding with my choice, I keep the optionality until I cannot keep it anymore. I waste time ruminating, overthinking, and secretly hoping I don’t have to make a decision or some outside force takes it for me. A lot of my procrastination comes from indecisiveness. The travel plans are just one example. In the future, I hope to learn something from it and make earlier decisions about essential questions.